Welcome to the Archive pt1

[tempusfrangit]

fluoresce asked for: Workplace comedy about the hilarious trials and tribulations of being the security force in the most back-water space station of the galaxy.

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Welcome to the Archive, a library hub platform station owned by the Company Corporation. All visitors please report to the security desk before entering the Archive. Failure to do so will lead to immediate death from our defence sentry turrets. Please do not poke the librarians. Thank you. The Company Corporation.
Welcome to the Archive...

"MEYER" played by Arthur Darvill "You're bleeding." "Where." "There. The great big gaping hole in your shoulder." "Oh, that... papercut." "Papercut?!" "Yep." "Bloody big paper."

So, right this is where I tell you about myself then. Erm, my name is J- Meyer right, sorry keep forgetting about that. And um, I've worked for the Company for about three weeks. The job said it included travel but they didn't quite mention that the travel was at the other end of the galaxy, not that I'm complaining it's just... a long way home. I guess. Miss my cat. His name is Sprinkles? God my cat, oh bloody hell I need to ring my neighbour. I said I'd only be gone the week. You can edit that bit out right? The er... the cat endangerment bit yeah.

"LEWIS" aka. The one, the only Chronicle No, we're not calling you that. played by Simon Pegg "They call me Chronicle." "Who does?" "People?" "What people?" "You know... people!" "Alright, don't get snippy with me." "Sorry darling." "That's alright sweetie"

Hello Earth! I'm Chronicle, Head Hacker and Team Leader of Security. Well, I mean I would be if we had titles and that and if King wasn't- but I've had the training. Two weeks of comprehensive html coding. OI! I have not let it go to my head, sorry that was the husband Pat. Patterson. He's a bit jealous cos I got upgraded, Lewis status you know. Smart bit of promotion that. Well chuffed. Oh don't get like that, you know I didn't. Yes, of course I love you. Of course I do muffin.

"KING" played by Ashley Jenson "King? You got King?" "WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW LEWIS? SUCK MY GIANT SCOTTISH CO- Oh, hello Director."

So, when do we start? FUCK is that thing on? I'm King, team leader much to fucking Lewis's never ending disappointment. Welcome to the Archive, property of The Company Corporation. Fuck knows what goes on here, bit of a shit gig to be honest with you. Round the clock surveillance on fucking books, what are the fuckers going to do run off? They've not got legs... PATTERSON! THE BOOKS DON'T HAVE LEGS DO THEY? Nah, no legs. Fucking christ I need a cigarette.

"PATTERSON" played by Nick Frost "I guess we'd have to recirculate the energy and reverse the polarity of the neutron flow." "Er... what?" "I love it when you go Who on me." "Beam me up Scotty." "No... no that's Star Trek." "Oh, is that different from Star Wars?" "What are you- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" "ARE YOU TWO PLAYING SEX GAMES RIGHT NOW?"

Helloooo, I'm Patterson. And I see you've already met the hubby, cute little thing isn't he? Could just pick him up and eat him. Oh sorry, sorry sweetie. He doesn't like me getting "over affectionate in the work environment." He wasn't saying that last week when we were in the copy ro- RIGHT. Sorry. Let's see, I work with King at the Archive which is very... nice. She's lovely, mouth on her like a pirate but very... nice. I've worked here for five years. Oh... And I'm a Sagittarius. Well, I think it's important that they know that. Because Sagittarians have voices too. Ooooh he is in a huff. This is because I said the one with the leather was my favourite. Doctors. That is. From Doctor Who.